September 21.1999,was the most unforgettable day in my life. It was the first unforgettable earthquake I had experienced in my life. I remembered the day I was very sleepy but my older brother wanted to read his Harry Potter; he didn't turn off the light so that I couldn't sleep. I was very upset at that moment and quarreled with him.
Two hours later, I felt the bed started shaking slightly ,so I said to my bother angrily "Don't shack the bed! I want to sleep. He did not answered. After a while, the bed shake violently and I yelled at my brother " If you shacked the bed again I will tell dad". Afterword, he shouted at me " Earthquake!". Suddenly, the light went off. I was stunned and got off the bed quickly. My dad took a emergency flashlight in a hurry and told us go downstairs to the ground right now. We escaped from our house to an open space, and my relatives had already been there. Then adults started discussing the earthquake and my aunt turned the transistor radio on to follow the news and we children surrounded a circle.
It seemed like a family party--everybody all got together and chatted with each other. We should have been very scared but the power of gathering made us nothing to fear. About 4 am in the morning, the shake became weak and we went back to sleep. Fortunately, our family are all safe in this disaster.
嗨 露比
回覆刪除1. time order words用得很好, narration很清楚
2. 誤會弟弟搖床那一段很好笑
3. 結尾寫得不錯, 有讓這個可怕的回憶變得沒那麼可怕
4. 但是要注意拼字, 有幾個不該錯的拼字, 如stared-->stared; shacked??
其他建議如下:
1. It was the first earthquake I had experienced in my life.
921是你人生的第一場地震?真的嗎?你以前住哪一個國家?
2. I remembered the day I was very sleepy but my older brother wanted to read his Harry Potter; he didn't turn off the light so that I couldn't sleep.
==>恩...哥哥總是較討人厭
3. I was very upset at that moment and quarreled with him. 寫得好
4. Two hours later, I felt the bed stared shaking slightly then I said to my bother angrily "Don't shack the bed, I want to sleep.
==>stared-->started
==>then改用 , so
==>"Don't shake the bed! I want to sleep."
5. He did not answered me.
==>did not answered有看到什麼錯誤嗎?
6. After a while, the bed shacked violently and I yelled at my brother " If you shacked the bed again I will tell dad".
==>shacked??
7. Afterword, he shouted at me said " Earthquake!".
==>有shouted所以said可以拿掉
8. Suddenly, the light turned off.
==>the light went off
9. I was stunned and got off the bed quickly. My dad took a emergency flashlight in a hurry and told us go down to the ground right now.
==>...told us to go downstairs to...
10. We escaped from our house to an open space. I saw my relatives had already been there.
==>修改成We escaped from our house to an open space, and my relatives had already been there. 過去完成式用得很好
11. Then adults started discussing the earthquake, my aunt turned the transistor radio on to follow the news and we children surrounded a circle.
中間少了個連接詞或逗號可以改用其他標點符號
12. It seemed like a family party, everybody all got together and chatted with each other.
把逗號改成 --
13. We should have been very scared but the power of agglomerate made us nothing to fear.
==>agglomerate不用在人身上, 改用gathering
==>我很喜歡你這個句子的意思
14.About 4 am in the morning, the shack become weak and we went back to sleep. Fortunately, our family are all safe after this disaster.
==>shack
==>become時態錯誤
==>in this disaster